The hardest thing about anxiety

You would think after actively battling this for over a year now I would have learned this sooner.  On some level I probably knew, that fighting anxiety takes a literal, constant, unwavering effort.  It's hard work, the hardest work I've done so far.  There isn't room for a slip up or a break.  Once that crack appears in day-to-day efforts, the anxiety starts to quickly seep in and it's not before long, it takes over.

I learned the impact of letting up on an anxiety-proof routine recently when it reared its (ugly) head once again.  Prior to visiting Michigan, I didn't go a week without working out.  I had a (fairly) consistent writing routine, I ate well, and I did what I needed to do in order to feel my best.  But then I went on vacation.  Don't get me wrong, those 9 nine days or so were some of the best.  I ate a burger with a fried egg on it (to die), I had pizza and I had cupcakes and I drank.  It was the freaking best.  But I didn't work out, I lacked a routine, and I found myself facing situations where my anxiety inevitably popped up i.e. traveling on airplanes with children.  And after we got back, due to jet lag and getting lost in finding some semblance of a routine, as much as a new family of 4 can find, I fell off the rails.  I continued to not work out and well, my sweet tooth was getting the best of me.  And I kinda just didn't think about it.  All efforts I had implemented 4 months ago vanished just like that. And it was far too easy.  I justified it.  Because as a tired mom of 2 under 2, it's easier to sink into my couch and binge watch House of Cards and eat a brownie than it is to have a 20 minute sweat it out session after my kids go to bed.  Right?  Yeah, damn right.

But that leads me to turning around from a simple errand to the grocery store, and staying in bed while my family goes to hang out with other family, and finding yet another therapist.

So I'm back.  For three days in a row, I've gotten a solid workout in and that's great and I hope to keep it up.  But working out is only one piece to a complex puzzle.  And so the journey begins once again.  More vitamins, cleaner foods, less caffeine, and yeah, more therapy.

I've gotten off the couch, turned off Netflix  (best season of House of Cards, yet btw) and I'm fighting once again.


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