The first

I knew so little when I had Ella.  I knew next to nothing about the challenges breastfeeding could present.  I knew nothing about how to look for a good formula.  I didn't know I would eventually feel like myself again - that the hormones, the postpartum depression and anxiety would eventually subside.  I didn't know just how fast time would go by when a child entered my life and just how quickly they grow.

I knew so little when I had Ella.  She was my first.  Everything was a learning experience.  I lost so much time with her due to the overwhelming feeling of not knowing.

And now, I'm calm.  Because of all that she taught me, I'm calm.

I now know breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone and what formula works for my little ones.  I know I will eventually feel like myself again even though on some days it may not feel like I will.  I know I will turn around and, like Ella, Archer will be going on two.  This new-found knowledge has enabled me to sit on the couch in total peace and contentment, present in the moment, and hold Archer without worry.  And as thankful as I am to Ella for teaching me all I need to know to have these peaceful moments, I can't help but to be heartbroken for missing out on that time with Ella.

I look at her now and hug her a little harder and cherish ever so greatly when she hops up on the couch and snuggles up next to Archer and me.

I now know the time we spend together is sweet and I should soak in all these moments as much as I can.  These moments pass by all too quickly.